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Allison Larkin

Internationally Best-Selling Author

You are here: Home / TMI / It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear. . .

It’s like you’re always stuck in second gear. . .

January 20, 2009 Filed Under: TMI

I woke up this morning with the absolute worst cramps (sorry if this is TMI). It was so bad that J had to take Stella for her walk because I could only manage to put on my jacket before lying down on Argo’s dog bed in the fetal position.

When J came back, we sat at the kitchen table with our coffee. J was reading feeds on his computer.

“I want a new uterus,” I told him. “You should order me one.”

“Okay,” he said, and typed uterusinto the Amazon search bar.

“Just books,” he said when the results came up. “And there’s a CD, Uterus & Human. Crap.” He looked at me. “This is really going to frack with my Amazon recommendations. ” He looked back down. “Yeah, see? Already. Friends, Season 4.”

10 Comments

Comments

  1. Ashley says

    January 20, 2009 at 10:02 pm

    That is just…GREAT.

    I love it. :) You guys sound like fun!

    (Uh, minus the cramps stuff. Sorry about that!)

    Reply
  2. The Modern Gal says

    January 20, 2009 at 11:08 pm

    Ha ha ha. That’s hilarious.

    Hope you feel better. I’m always looking for an opportunity to trade my body in for a newer model.

    Reply
  3. Mickey says

    January 21, 2009 at 2:53 am

    J! With the sense of humor!

    As if he could get by without one living with a writer and two dogs.

    Reply
  4. Reluctant Blogger says

    January 21, 2009 at 10:08 am

    haha yes that is funny.

    Hope the cramps have now passed. No fun at all.

    Reply
  5. Noelle says

    January 21, 2009 at 3:47 pm

    I wonder what the reviews are like for uteruses. “Predictable ending,” “thoroughly engaging,” “I’d like to go back there from time to time.”

    Reply
  6. Courtney says

    January 21, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    The One with Phoebe’s Uterus! I’m well-versed in Friends. I hope your uterus feels better.

    Reply
  7. K says

    January 22, 2009 at 12:27 am

    Hillarious. Nothing is too much information for me. I actually feel the same way today!

    Reply
  8. Allie says

    January 23, 2009 at 5:29 pm

    Ashley – Thanks. We have a good time together.

    MG – I do feel better. If you find a good deal on a newer model, let me know.

    Mickey – A sense of humor and the patience of a saint.

    RB – Much better now. You’re so right – no fun at all.

    Noelle – You crack me up! That is way too funny!

    Courtney – The One with Phoebe’s Uterus – that’s great!

    Reply
  9. Chile says

    January 23, 2009 at 7:31 pm

    In a weird bit of synchronicity, we just watched “Shrimp on the Barbie.” One of the minor characters is the same minor character from Mannequin: the annoying gal with the long dark hair that tried to “kill” the mannequin. It doesn’t stop there, we also just watched John Cusack (and Joan) in “Gross Points Blank.”

    When you find a good uterus store, wouldya let me know, please? I don’t think I’m gonna like pre-menopause assuming that’s WTF is going on here. (TMI!)

    Reply
  10. Allie says

    January 29, 2009 at 8:57 pm

    Chile – I promise I’ll share the name of my uterus store when I find one.

    Reply

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Internationally bestselling author of STAY, WHY CAN'T I BE YOU and SWIMMING FOR SUNLIGHT. THE PEOPLE WE KEEP coming from @gallerybooks on 8/3/2021

Allison Larkin
A few days ago, I took this photo of turkeys while A few days ago, I took this photo of turkeys while I was out on a run, marveling at how wild animals do not seem to mind when they see me. Once, I almost bumped into a deer, the way a couple might meet-cute in a rom com. We just didn’t see each other. I’ve always thought it was a fun little quirk. Not even bunnies are afraid of me. But this afternoon on my run, I came up over a hill and was suddenly within fifteen feet of a wild boar. Thankfully, a year or two ago I got curious about the big traps that show up trailside around the bay, looked them up and learned about how fast, ruthlessly aggressive, and unpredictable a wild boar can be. Otherwise, I might have (stupidly) thought I was in the middle of another one of my Snow White moments and been all “Hello there, Mr. Pig! Look at you!” believing that I could quietly observe in wonder. Instead, I knew this was a bad situation. The boar grunted and moved to the center of the trail. It felt very ‘You shall not pass!’ But I did not want to pass. I wanted to get away. I backed slowly for a few moments and then turned and ran faster than I ever have in my whole life. I’ve since learned that there’s no way that boar chased me, because there’s no chance of outrunning a boar (climb a tree if you can). But I know that boar saw me and also wasn’t happy about the surprise, and I had a moment, racing back over the hills I’d just run — not daring to look behind me more than once or twice in fear I’d lose my footing — when I truly did not know what would happen. I’ve been in scary situations, but they were a different kind of scary. I don’t think I’ve ever flat out run for my life before, but that’s truly what I thought I was doing. Right now I am still full of adrenaline and also exhausted and so so thankful to be okay.
My lemon is a happy fox. #fruitfaces My lemon is a happy fox. #fruitfaces
I think there’s something about getting older an I think there’s something about getting older and reaching back to the core of who you are. I’ve always been at my happiest when I’m up in a tree.
Portrait of the bestest girl. Stella may be slowin Portrait of the bestest girl. Stella may be slowing down, but she’s still exceptionally curious. #dailystelladog #germanshepherd
Portrait of a woman who just wants a free moment t Portrait of a woman who just wants a free moment to paint over the poop brown bathroom walls that came with this house.
Working on a thing for a thing, but I ran out of d Working on a thing for a thing, but I ran out of daylight and dog patience. Back at it tomorrow. #authorsofinstagram
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