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Allison Larkin

Internationally Best-Selling Author

You are here: Home / Argo the wonder dog / I Suck At Sleeping

I Suck At Sleeping

February 16, 2010 Filed Under: Argo the wonder dog, sleeptalking, the cat

I’ve never been a good sleeper. It is not one of my special talents. Dog snoring and husband sleep talking (and once sleep truck driving) doesn’t help that much either.

A few months ago, in the middle of the night, J nudged me awake, laughed and said, “That’s so typical of night,” in his sleep talking voice.

“You’re sleeping!” I said, hoping to fall asleep again before I shifted into wide awake.

“But it’s so typical of night,” he said.

“No, it’s not!” I said. “Go back to sleep!”

“It’s not? It’s not typical of night?” He was annoyed. “It’s NOT typical of night?”

“Fine,” I said. “It’s so typical of night!”

And with that, J was instantly asleep again, and I was past the point of no return on being awake. The next morning when I asked, he had no idea what he could have been talking about.

Sunday night, J woke up at 1:45 with a foot cramp. Or at least he was dreaming he had a foot cramp, I’m not sure if it was real. For some reason, in my just awake haze, I thought he was pulling his toenail off and started freaking out that he was hurting himself. He was merely rubbing his foot, and was back to sleep in seconds.

At 1:50, I remembered that I left a switch on in the basement, and got up to turn it off. An old wall fan that I’ve never turned on in the entire time we’ve lived in this house was on, which was kind of creepy. I turned it off.

1:55 – lay in bed wondering if that fan had some kind of connection to the nearby furnace.

2:00 – still wondering. Start to worry the house might explode (I’m completely irrational when I wake up in the middle of the night, which adds to the fun) because the fan could be a critical part of the heating system, and maybe it should have stayed on.

2:10 – start to fall asleep. Argo making smacking noises with his mouth in his sleep. Decide he’s thirsty and wake him up to give him some water. He wags his tail while he’s drinking, but is still so sleepy that I have to direct him back to his dog bed. It’s really cute.

2:30 – almost asleep, but awake enough to hear the cat puke (she’s fine, she just pukes a lot). Decide to clean it up in the AM.

2:31 – realize Argo was also awake enough to hear the cat puke and will clean it up himself if I don’t get to it first. Get up and clean it.

2:35 – back in bed. Cat pukes again, this time while running into the living room to puke on the rug. Get up and chase puking cat around the living room.

2:40 – back in bed. Decide the fan could have been connected to the switch. Get up to check my theory. It’s not connected. Freaked out all over again that the fan was on.

3:00 – back in bed, almost asleep. Stella starts sleep barking. A lot. Waking her up is usually a bad idea, so I wait it out, and finally fall asleep again at some point after that.

And, of course, J slept through all of this. When I told him about it the next morning, he barely even remembered the foot cramp. “Of course,” I said. “That’s so typical of night.”

17 Comments

Comments

  1. abbersnail says

    February 16, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    This made me laugh out loud! I, too, suck at sleeping. The Horse Whisperer flails around and talks in his sleep, and the cats love to race around the house… many nights I just accept that it is a lost cause, and get up.

    Reply
  2. Corinne Bowen says

    February 16, 2010 at 10:06 pm

    This was effing hilarious and not because I enjoy your pain. I can just totally relate! Steve is also a very good sleeper and I am not! Sometimes I get so mad at him for sleeping so well that I have to go downstairs because my jealousy is keeping me awake. Although, sometimes I catch a good movie. Truman Show was on the other night at 2AM.

    Reply
  3. flurrious says

    February 16, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    I’ve been told that I’m a sleep-talker, and that I have said, “you’re standing on my foot” more than once. I have no idea what I mean by that.

    Have you seen Sleep Talkin’ Man? It’s a record of everything the blogger’s husband says in his sleep. Evidently, he’s got some kind of running issue with lentils.

    Reply
  4. mudnessa says

    February 16, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    OMG so funny. I do feel for you not being able to sleep though. I wish my sleep issues were comical so I could find some fun in it but they aren’t. But back to you, this is one of the funniest real things I have read recently. Thanks for that.

    Reply
  5. Wombat Central says

    February 17, 2010 at 12:31 am

    Two words for you: EAR PLUGS!

    My hubby wears them because the dog snores. I wear one because hubby snores. Why only one earplug? Because the thought of two adults with plugged ears sleeping in a house with two children just seems terribly unsafe. ;)

    Thank goodness I don’t have the baby monitors to keep me awake anymore. Hope you get some sleep tonight!

    Reply
  6. TMC says

    February 17, 2010 at 1:20 am

    I totally get it. I can sleep fine so long as I’m by myself but if Husband (he’s on the road most of the time) is here, I wake up 2 or 3 times a night. I sleep with earplugs and fight a battle to push his feet back to his side of the bed without waking him up. I honestly tried for Lucy and Ricky beds but he wouldn’t go for it.

    Reply
  7. courtney says

    February 17, 2010 at 3:28 am

    So J can have conversations in his sleep? M sleep talks too, but he just says one thing at a time. One time my college roommate sat straight up in her bed, looked at me, and said, “OH, YOU THINK YOU’RE SO COOL” and then just laid back down.

    Sorry you had such a crummy night! Chasing a pukey cat around in the middle of the night cannot be fun.

    Reply
  8. Kirsten says

    February 17, 2010 at 6:01 am

    i’m a terrible sleeper, too. while acupuncture has helped me out a lot… i’ve yet to truly master it. anyway, M has a tendency to laugh in his sleep. it makes me laugh. win/win.

    Reply
  9. Lenore says

    February 17, 2010 at 9:45 am

    I am a champion sleeper – especially since I’ve had the kittehs. We call them lazymakers.

    Reply
  10. Noelle says

    February 17, 2010 at 10:46 am

    I’m normally a great sleeper, but I have nights like that, minus the hilarity. They are so confounding.

    Reply
  11. WendyCinNYC says

    February 17, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    I’m a terrible sleeper, too. And, like you, I obsess over stupid things in the middle of the night. The other night, I couldn’t stop thinking about the ending of a book I read months ago, and what it was supposed to mean. LIKE IT MATTERS AT 3 AM. Ugh! Turn off, brain.

    Reply
  12. AL says

    February 18, 2010 at 1:41 am

    I laughed and laughed, only because this is very typical living with my J. My J has sleep talking/walking/shooting/pirate attacking on a regular basis. The cat puking and dogs wanting to eat it is a common episode too.

    A major difference is that with a blood disorder my body thinks it is extremely tired all the time…so falling asleep is never a problem.

    My J never remembers any of it either…I have heard we can blame the mother ;)

    Reply
  13. A Free Man says

    February 18, 2010 at 5:45 am

    I’m really good at sleeping, in fact I’ve made it into an art form. Particularly sleeping through early morning sleep distractions like crying babies or punches from partner to wake up and deal with crying babies. Sleeping rocks.

    Reply
  14. Howling Hill says

    February 19, 2010 at 3:33 pm

    Have you considered drinking some catnip tea before you go to bed? It’s a sedative.

    Reply
  15. The Modern Gal says

    February 19, 2010 at 8:07 pm

    Ok, you’re punchline is priceless.

    I go back and forth between being an awesome sleeper and having insomnia, and I’m sort of in an insomnia stage right now. I get just as irrational as you in the middle of the night and do a good job of stressing myself out.

    Reply
  16. Reluctant Blogger says

    February 22, 2010 at 10:59 am

    Yeah it made me laugh too. I have never encountered a sleep-talker. It sounds tiring but intriguing and amusing (no, not amusing in the middle of the night I know).

    I am going through a phase of not being able to get off to sleep – it’s rather annoying. And last night I had the most vivid dream, one of those realistic kind of everyday ones, and I can’t shake off the feeling that it all happened.

    Hope you get a good night soon.

    Reply
  17. Mickey says

    February 24, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    I’d have to find my own quarters. I’m a light sleeper, too, but I insist on getting some. Sleep, that is.

    Reply

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Internationally bestselling author of STAY, WHY CAN'T I BE YOU and SWIMMING FOR SUNLIGHT. THE PEOPLE WE KEEP coming from @gallerybooks on 8/3/2021

Allison Larkin
A few days ago, I took this photo of turkeys while A few days ago, I took this photo of turkeys while I was out on a run, marveling at how wild animals do not seem to mind when they see me. Once, I almost bumped into a deer, the way a couple might meet-cute in a rom com. We just didn’t see each other. I’ve always thought it was a fun little quirk. Not even bunnies are afraid of me. But this afternoon on my run, I came up over a hill and was suddenly within fifteen feet of a wild boar. Thankfully, a year or two ago I got curious about the big traps that show up trailside around the bay, looked them up and learned about how fast, ruthlessly aggressive, and unpredictable a wild boar can be. Otherwise, I might have (stupidly) thought I was in the middle of another one of my Snow White moments and been all “Hello there, Mr. Pig! Look at you!” believing that I could quietly observe in wonder. Instead, I knew this was a bad situation. The boar grunted and moved to the center of the trail. It felt very ‘You shall not pass!’ But I did not want to pass. I wanted to get away. I backed slowly for a few moments and then turned and ran faster than I ever have in my whole life. I’ve since learned that there’s no way that boar chased me, because there’s no chance of outrunning a boar (climb a tree if you can). But I know that boar saw me and also wasn’t happy about the surprise, and I had a moment, racing back over the hills I’d just run — not daring to look behind me more than once or twice in fear I’d lose my footing — when I truly did not know what would happen. I’ve been in scary situations, but they were a different kind of scary. I don’t think I’ve ever flat out run for my life before, but that’s truly what I thought I was doing. Right now I am still full of adrenaline and also exhausted and so so thankful to be okay.
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