Two weeks ago, J and I celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. I meant to write about it then. I have a hard time writing about the people I love the most. Much in the same way I have a hard time writing out notes in birthday cards. Because, you know, I write. That’s what I do. And I feel like people always expect me to be super eloquent with what I write – to have the right words. But when it comes to the people I love, everything gets so jumbled up in my emotions, and I don’t feel like anything I write could do them justice.
Peter Mulvey has a song called “Words Too Small to Say,” and he’s talking about depression, but I think that concept applies to great happiness too. How could I ever find the right words I describe how I feel about the most important person in my life – the greatest, most amazing man I’ve ever met – the person who is part of everything I do and everything I am? J has made my dreams come true and supported me and loved me way beyond what I thought was even possible. How do you put words to the nuances of feelings, the comfort in quiet moments together? There’s that feeling when you go out into the world and know you have a home that isn’t about place or space or a roof over your head. It’s about having someone to come home to. And the right words for that are too big or too small or don’t exist at all.
We got married in Jamaica. It was awesome. It was simple and easy, and exactly what we wanted it to be. We wrote our own vows. I told J he wasn’t the man of my dreams, because before I met him, I didn’t have the courage to dream of anyone so amazing, and it’s true. Never, in my wildest dreams could I have imagined that this is what marriage means. I am still in awe of him.
Our song was the Redbird version of Lovely as the Day is Long. It was a last minute pick, and I’m not sure we know all the words, but there’s a line that says, “Find an oasis to rally upon.” That’s what J is. He’s my oasis. Those are the best words I have.